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Monday, Oct. 20, 2003/9:06 PM

Duk's Arse

Cunning stunts

Duk tired

After a very hectic world tour, rumors of physical collapse seem to have been much exaggerated. Admittedly it has been a particularly busy time for Duk. Huge luxurious dinners at Craft with the likes of Buffy Faffington, Lucinda Gallop and the Marquis of Flintshire may have taken their toll but all reliable sources close to Duk flatly deny mashed potato dependency and caramel sauce addiction.

During a recent public appearance, several observers reported distinct crows feet around the eyes and a roughness of skin, normally associated with latex disintegration. The only official statement from the new Duk headquarters give little away:

There is no truth in the rumor that Duk’s health is in danger. He has had a very grueling few months and was simply exhausted by international travel, many public appearances and moving house. After several weeks of recuperation at the famed Pearl Beach resort he is much recovered and back to his former self. Like Cher, Barbara Streisand and Princess Diana before him, he plans to reduce his public duties to a more manageable level. His plans were very explicitly outlined in a recent interview in the popular publication ‘Rock pool Aficionado’ where he was quoted as saying he will spend the additional spare time “doing good things”.

Stunt Duks arrive

“I’m not fucking doing it.”

“I don’t fucking care who wants fucking what… I’m not fucking doing it.”

“But it’s for charity” pleaded William, trying to get Duk to honor his social obligations.

“I don’t fucking care if it’s the last fucking audience with the fucking Pontif I’m not fucking leaving my new fucking apartment”

Duk was certainly back to his old self. The recuperation at Pearl Beach had certainly revived his sense of social and political sensitivity, not to mention his mastery of Shakespearean English.

“We’ll just have to find someone else to go in your place”. It was a cheap trick but William was prepared to try anything.

“Who?” said Duk, giving William an intense stare - a bear stare- that had obviously been perfected during his recent vacation.

“I don’t know but maybe the nice people from Lanco in Spain know someone with a better attitude.” William knew exactly what he was doing. If the mallard wanted to play dirty with the Bear Stare then William was prepared to bring out his big guns (ooh Matron!).

(For those who are confused at this moment, Lanco is the name of a small Latex Moulding company that just happens to be tattooed on Duk’s arse. This should not be confused with the ‘Arse Mark’ that Duk previously tried to create – although we do suspect that this was a feeble attempt to distract attention from the real Arse Mark that is clearly visible on his own arse). ARSE MARK MADNESS

A discreet Google search and a few secret clicks on the internet and within hours a squadron of Stunt Duks, Body doubles for the now cantankerous Duk arrive at William’s office.

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“How will you know the original Duk from the others”, asks a well meaning J.D., (not Xuan’s JD, another one who works in the office with William).

“Oh, that’s easy”, said William. “I just look for the one Crows feet, Bald Patch and bad attitude”.

“I’m not fucking bald, you Mother Fucking, Fisting, Felching, Cock Sucking Bastard.”

“See how easy it is.”

Rare sighting of small, purple bear (aka- “the downstairs bear”)

We are reliably informed that this is the first and only photographic evidence of the small, purple bear, previously referred to on http://mr_oaf.diaryland.com as the “the downstairs bear”.

< Other sightings greatly welcomed in Guestbook

Slut-machine

Since www.slut-machine.com gives a link to Duk’s arse we thought it only fair to give return the favor with a link to their site. We know not what this is about or why there are pictures of William on this site. Neither Duk nor any of the stunt doubles endorse this site in any way. VISIT SLUT –MACHINE

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