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Monday, Jan. 06, 2003/12:08 PM

Duk's Arse

Bears are back

Bears are back!

After protracted negotiations - and the intervention of Jimmy Carter - the bear pictures are back.

New Year resolution #1 - let bygones be bygones. The bears are cute and why not give them the publicity they so clearly crave.

Duk 2003

Duk didn’t come to England. Such a pity since the weather was perfect for ducks. “I’ve decided to stay in the City for the New Year,” announced Duk as William packed his waterproofs. “I’m fed up with socializing. I need to get back into the New York scene. I haven’t even seen Hairspray”

“Yes you have.”

“Well, I want to see it again. It’s much better when you can sing along and know all the moves,” said Duk thinking quickly and wondering why his memory isn’t what it used to be.

“Do you think the Bush administration is putting ‘forgetting serum’ in the water,” asked Duk, unlikely to get an answer since William was far too busy. “It would be a good way to make everybody as dumb as our great and glorious leaderd,” Duk continued. "If this carries on it won't be long before we all want war!” It was a wild hypothesis but not beyond the realms of possibility.

“What are you talking about?” William raised an eye, catching the end of the ridiculousness.

“Everyone we know complains about their memory and how it is getting worse,” said Duk. “It can’t be a coincidence."

“Everyone we know drinks Martini’s by the bucket, takes Cocaine and Ecstasy and stays out partying three nights a week,” said William trying to find a more plausible reason for the diminishing mental capacity of all of his friends. As he spoke, William forgot something. He remembered it later but only when it was too late. All the talk of poisoned water and a Presidential conspiracy drove him out of the house without thinking. In his haste William forgot a very important thing. He forgot to take Duk with him on his travels.

“He’s decided to stay in New York and entertain our overseas visitors,” he told friends.

True, Martin the Manager’s sister Jude (+1) were visiting and someone had to let them in, keep an eye on the place and make sure that they didn’t trash it. But that is not the real reason Duk stayed in New York and had a white Christmas.

Bears of the United Kingdom

TEZNEZCO need to know that there is a company in the UK called “Bears of the United Kingdom.” They seem to specialize in uniforms but I am assured that they are not fetishists. Policeman bear, substituting for Duk, came along to protect our house and make sure there was no disorderly conduct. Quite a task considering the amount of alcohol that was consumed and the fact that Karsten the Kraut insisted on relieving himself in the garden.

Are bears born or bombed?

Horror of horrors. Bears of the United Kingdom are not born but brought into this world with a large bang, a flash of light and exciting balloons that go “fzzzzzzzzzzz”. Check out the “Bear bomb” that brought ‘Baby Bear’ into the world.

Bear Bomb.

Baby Bear's first encounter with the sheep.

Duk's back/ Duk's forward