Tuesday, Nov. 19, 2002/6:55 PM

Duk's Arse

suicide attempt

Diana knew how to handle the press. It was going to be tough getting through this without her.

"Where is the fucking bitch when you need her?" Duk muttered, leaping behind the sofa to avoid another telephoto lense and another "near-miss" tabloid story.

"Think, Think". "What would she have done?"

Well, we all know what she would have done. Being the observant type, Duk had already clocked the fact that Mr and Mrs Oaf's beach home had no stairs. Four bathrooms but not a bloody flight of stairs in sight.

There was a bookcase but Teddy seemed to be up there...contemplating something. (Had the events around his recent resignation from TEZNEZCO got on top of him or had he simply got on top of the shelves?)

I don't know why Duk's thought process took so long, but you never really know how a Duk's mind works. Only days before Mr Oaf had been discussing the life threatening consequences of "an inside/outside water tank" beside "the large and important electrical outlet" ...This had been the project of the week and Nesbitt and Teddy's pride and joy. We had all become pretty familiar with the new "coming home ritual". Switching on the aquarium light and describing, in excruciating detail, exactly how the "indoor/outdoor wildlife" had repositioned themselves - most likely in a desperate attempt to get back to their previously happy "outside/outside" life.

After a little climbing and a little scrambling Duk made it to the top of the so called 'tank' and waited.

...and waited...

...and waited...

It was only much later, when he heard the familiar patter of furry paws on the outside stairs that he realized a "Diana-like death throw" would have been possible if only he had ventured outside the front door. It was too late to change the plan. The}:> was at the door. It was a huge gamble. If Nesbitt did not save him, Duk knew he faced a slow 'sucky' death by sea snail and limpet.

The story of How Duk and the }:> met is in the "previous" diary entry.